A WIKI History of John Boehner 61st Speaker of the House

via : wikidicks

Early life

Boehner was born in Cincinnati to Mary Anne (Hall) and Earl Henry Boehner.
He grew up as one of twelve children, which, in part, explains why he would later so adamantly oppose including funding for those contraceptives in the original stimulus package. (Of course, it's common knowledge that unwanted teen pregnancies ultimately cost far more than sending a box of rubbers to some high school kids, but that would require Boehner to take five minutes of free time to think about it instead of doing all that manscaping.)
Boehner attended Catholic all-boys high school, an institution that spawns both social conservatives and closeted homosexuals with equal and astounding frequency. Interestingly, Boehner is a fellow alumnus with Ken Griffey Jr, another gentleman who would begin his professional career with incredible popularity among his fan base only to never accomplish anything.
From 1985-1990, Boehner served in the Ohio House of Representatives where he managed to have a distinguished yet uneventful tenure without getting too many bronzer fingerprints on his legislation.

Political Career

In 1990, Boehner took advantage of the Republican politician disaster-scandal trifecta that befell Ohio Congressman Buz Lukens who was caught engaging the services of a prostitute. An African-American one. A sixteen-year-old one. For 40 dollars. (Though nearly everyone has denounced Luken, many do admire his frugality.)
Helping to lift the people of Ohio and their respected Senate seat being involved with an underage sex scandal, Boehner entered the United States House of Representatives where he would later be involved with a an underage sex scandal.
15 years afterward, Boehner would learn about creepy emails Congressman Mark Foley sent to a young page, but not tell anybody about it until months later. Except then-Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, which he's "99% sure" he did. Overall, most people remember pretty clearly whether or not they helped cover up for a sleazy old man harassing children, but John Boehner is not most people.
In his first year, Boehner and six other congressmen formed the gang of seven. Among the major achievements of the gang of seven are the public exposure of politicians who'd overdrawn their bank accounts and cracking down on the free ride that congressmen were getting at that national travesty: the congressional barbershop. Not so much a "gang" as, say, a coterie, this "gang" was just like the Crips if instead of robbing and murdering people, they solely went around committing municipal code violations.
Boehner was one of the chief authors of the Contract with America, a document that many citizens remember existing though no one can actually recall the contents of it. This may be attributable to the Contract's ardent support for a series of initiatives that many Americans agreed with in principal but realistically, couldn't give a shit about.
In 2006, Beohner again displayed his aptitude for taking advantage of other people's criminal indictments when he succeeded Tom Delay as the House then-Majority leader.
Electrifying conservatives with his stern pro-business, anti-corruption, small government positions, Boehner would quickly disappoint most of his supporters by approving $9.8 trillion dollars in President Bush's budgets. While most lawmakers are unable to follow through on every promise they make, it is uncommon for a politician to do the complete inverse of every promise they made.
"Thankfully," following the 2008 Presidential election, Boehner returned to his original stance against major government spending once it became politically convenient. While it's difficult to argue that he has displayed consistency in his Republican "beliefs," there is one position he has been able to stringently adhere to: being opposed to whatever the overwhelming public opinion supports at the time.

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Political positions

While Boehner has recently become known for insulting reporters haircuts and skipping out on the supposed Republican "revolt" to play golf, Boehner does have several notable policy positions.

• In 2007, Boehner argued that benchmarks for the Iraq war would ensure failure, a measure supported by the Democrats. In weeks prior, he agreed with President Bush that benchmarks for the Iraq war were "good" and "very important." Many political scientists argue that it's probably not a great sign if one of the leaders of your party can't make up his mind about a central issue of an entire campaign cycle.

• Boehner does not believe in human contribution to global warming and once remarked: "The idea that carbon dioxide is a carcinogen that is harmful to our environment is almost comical. Every time we exhale, we exhale carbon dioxide. Every cow in the world, you know when they do what they do you've got more carbon dioxide." While many scientists have taken exception to the 15 things that are factually incorrect about that statement, researchers are most surprised at Boehner's inability to just say the word "defecate."

• Boehner receives campaign donations from what is essentially the set-up to a joke about republican stereotypes: pharmaceutical and cigarette manufacturers, health insurance companies, oil companies, military contractors, and Native Americans. One wonders how that Crying Indian would feel about donating his casino profits to a guy who has defended his environmental position by citing cow shit.
  • That's not to be confused with "chicken shit," a designation, Boehner used in regards to President Barack Obama.

With no immediate solution to the current recession, it remains to be seen if Boehner will remain firm, rigid, and inflexible in his positions or whether the potential success of the Democrats will cause him to shrink away limp, deflated, and flaccid.